


You Need A Special Ointment For Genital Rashes

by Methoxyethane



Category: Gintama
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, penis burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-11-26
Updated: 2008-11-26
Packaged: 2017-10-26 05:02:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/278995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Methoxyethane/pseuds/Methoxyethane





	You Need A Special Ointment For Genital Rashes

Kondo sat before his two favorite sons/subordinates calmly, an unusually stern expression adorning his features.

"Now. Toushi, Sougo…" he began. "I know that lately your relationship with each other has undergone some… Changes," he said tentatively.

Hijikata and Okita exchanged glances. "Changes? What 'changes' might you be referring to, Kondo-san?" Sougo asked after a beat.

Kondo looked distinctly uncomfortable. "Well, your relationship has taken a more... _Physical_ turn." He paused. "Well, no, it's always been physical. You can't try to kill someone without being physical," he muttered, "That is to say, more physically _intimate."_

"…Intimate?"

"The sex, Toushi. I mean the sex."

"Oh, _that_." Okita said with new understanding. "How did you know about it, anyway?"

"It… became apparent," Kondo said, recalling the image he was met with the other night of Sougo's legs wrapped around Toushirou's waist as the two tried to maneuver down the hallway without breaking their lip-lock. He shuddered a little.

"Allright. So what's this got to do with anything?"

"Well, I just want to make sure you two are practicing safe sex. I know that Toushi obviously can't get pregnant, but there are many other-"

"Wait, why would _I_ be the one getting pregnant? Are you saying I'm the woman?"

"Of course not! I had just figured- well, I don't know, it just seemed-"

"Isn't it obvious, Hijikata-san? It's because I'm much manlier than you."

"The fuck you are!"

"Nevermind that! What I mean is, sex can be dangerous no matter who its between one is uncareful!"

"You mean 'careless'." Hijikata corrected. He was ignored.

"Now, for instance, don't invite strangers into your bedrooms for threesomes-"

"What kind of people do you think we are?"

"-because you never know what kind of diseases they might have of it they'll try to kill you or steal your wallets or kidneys." He concluded. "Also, I know what new relationships are fun and exciting, but you can too much sex. For instance, my cousin- Second cousin? My relative Rika had to go to the hospital recently for rash on the inside of her you-know-what. The doctor told her that the sore had developed because she was having too much sex, and too hard. She was given a cream to apply to the sore, and she couldn't have sex again for over a week."

The two stared at him. Kondo continued, dauntless.

"Which brings me to my next point- allways use lubricant. Friction burns could develop, and if your having anal intercourse you could seriously injure your partner without proper lubricant and preparation. That particular organ isn't designed for that orifice, you one has to be careful when engaging in such activities."

Hiikata looked more than a little horrified. Okita looked contemplative.

"You know, that lube thing is actually good advice. I've got a rash on my inner thighs right now because of you, Hijikata-san. It's like a rug-burn. Except its not from a rug. It's from a penis. Making it penis-burn. From the penis."

"See? It's a good thing we had this talk then! Imagine if this had continued, even more injuries could have occured! For instance, you could also develop a friction burn _on_ the penis."

"Then we would both have penis-burn. Except your penis-burn would be _on_ the penis, whereas mine would be _from_ a penis."

"Would you stop saying penis allready?"

"No, it's more fun to keep saying it. Penis."

Hijikata stood up abruptly. "Okay. This conversation's over. This talk has done wonders in terms of preventing unsafe sex, as I won't be able to have sex again for a while without picturing Rika's infected twat or penis-burns. _Thanks_." He said as he left.

Kondo stared at the door after Hijikata left. "Oops. We killed Toushi's sex drive."

Okita looked annoyed. "Goddamn it. I was _using_ that."


End file.
